Addicted.

"To conquer adverse cirumstancses,

conquer yourselves.

The things you do

must be and expression of Who you have been with."

-God Calling

I want to be a blessing to people and then I screw it up.
I realize my weaknesses and admit my cowardice or shortcomings.
I feel like the young girl from so many years ago.

At the time I was deeply involved in church activities.
I talked the talk.

Except for the fact that I was an addict.
I was deeply bogged down in the addiction of bulimia.
It was like being two different people.
My church person.
My addicted person.

At my job of being a waitress I tried to be a good witness.
This was great as long as my 'addicted person' didn't kick in.

Once addicted me kicked in, it was all over.
As anyone with an addiction knows,
an addiction has no care for your other persons.
It will throw you in the ditch and stomp all over you.
Leaving you in disgrace and humiliation for all the world to
point and scorn.

This addiction for me started at the age of 15 and continued
on until I was 23, nearly killing me.  It is a miracle that I am
still alive.

Anyway, I will never forget the humiliation and disgrace I felt
when a manager caught me taking a coconut cake.   Yes.  I was
stealing a coconut cake.   He laughed in glee.   "What! ?   A good
Christian girl like you?!"

I still get glimpses of that humiliation and disgrace when I try to be a good
witness but my fears and insecurities cause me to betray my witness. 
Whether it is talking about somone behind their back (pointing the finger), or devising an 'innocent white lie' to avoid being yelled at.

"No person should treat sin lightly,

but no person should be harder on himself than God is.  

There is a morbid kind of self examination and self condemnation

that is not spiritual."  -

warren wiersbe   

"It doesn't matter if people have an outdated opinion of us.   God has an updated one.   Understand that conquering habitual sin can be an uphill battle.   We so often do the very things we hate, and then we hate ourselves for it.   We stumble and fall and the enemy kicks us with condemnation when we are down...

Since God's love and abundant life promise is true, do not relent when it comes to the things in your life that trip you up again and again.   Pray.   Repent of your sin.   Renounce your attachment to it.   Renew your resolve to walk freely with Christ.  And then do the same tomorrow if you have to.   Walk on until you walk free.   You can't lose with God on your side.

 

We really have no comprehension of just how secure we are in Christ.   May we grasp how strong our position is in Him!

Daily, humbly, submit yourself, your cares, and your attitudes to the living God.   And when the enemy comes in like a flood, engage your faith, knowing full well that you have all authority- all of heaven on your side - and make THAT wretched liar flee!"  -Susie Larson